Aries (March 21st to April 19th)
This guy will spend more time in the bathroom than you, looking at his face in the mirror and perfectly styling his hair. He has you as an emoji in his phone, he always asks you for nudes, and he’s that dude who “dabs” in every club photo he is photographed in. Yes, really, he’s that dude.
Taurus (April 20th to May 21st)
This guy is the douchebag embodiment of “Fuck bitches, get money.” All he cares about is sex, cash, and food, but not you. He will never care about you unless you smell like a stack of one hundred dollar bills or a cronut.
Gemini (May 22nd to June 21st)
This guy brags so much you’ll want to climb out a bathroom window just to get away from his ego. He will literally talk about himself twenty four hours a day. By the end of your first date you’ll know about all of his sex tapes, every girl he’s hooked up with, and that one time Lindsay Lohan smiled at him in a Whole Foods. Oh, he will also leak any nudes you send him. Just a heads up.
Cancer (June 22nd to July 22nd)
This guy will ask you to call him “Daddy” in bed. ‘Nuff said.
Leo (July 23rd to August 22nd)
This guy is an insecure, cocky narcissist, which basically means that you should run the hell away as quickly as you possibly can so your brain doesn’t explode from the confusion. He will always be right, and if you don’t validate him enough he will call you “a hater” and probably cry about it alone in the dark when you leave. He’ll also flirt with everything that has a pulse, so all of those “Babe, you’re the only girl Im texting” messages are hilarious fallacies.
Virgo (August 23rd to September 22nd)
This guy basically needs to be pristine at all times. Everything about him is vanilla. He probably bleaches his socks, and showers in Axe body spray. He is about as interesting as a saltine cracker, but he’ll never admit it because he is trying too hard to come off as deep during a riveting game of 21 Questions (which was his suggestion on your date).
Libra (September 23rd to October 22nd)
This guy is a snake. His diet consists of chicken and broccoli to ensure that his aesthetic is always on point, and he gets turned on by anything that costs a small fortune to own. He has at least four girls on the go at any time, but he’d probably choose to marry himself if it was legal.
Scorpio (October 23rd to November 22nd)
This guy will always send you dick pics. It will never fail. It could be Christmas day, you could tell him you’re watching the Nativity Play with your grandma at church, and I guarantee you when you open up his message a dick pic will pop onto your phone followed by a wink face. Iguaranteeit.
Sagittarius (November 23rd to December 21st)
This guy is smooth; he is like a fuckboy Pokemon that has taken on the ultimate fuckboy form. He will get your pants off just as quickly as he will leave in the morning. He will slide into your DMs just as quickly as he will slide your name out of his phone and reply to your messages after a week with, “Sorry, new phone, who is this?”
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 20th)
This guy is probably a lawyer or a banker, working 200 hours and constantly complaining about his life while catering to a sex or pill addiction. He will never open up to you, never make time for you, and will literally exhaust you emotionally before he gets what he needs and leaves you to fulfill his goals.
Aquarius (January 21st to February 18th)
This guy doesn’t have a heart. Literally, put your ear to his chest and you’ll hear the ocean or elevator music.
Pisces (February 19th to March 20th)
This guy is the fuckboy you will probably fall for because you feel bad for him. He has seen some stuff, and he carries that baggage perfectly to induce fits of pity within you. He is a sad, misunderstood manipulator, and he will manipulate his way right into your heart.